r2i forum

Two women Tina and Meena who live in the U.S. Not sisters by blood but definitely sisters of the heart. Best friends. Very similar life stories. Grew up in India, simple families, not with unlimited means. T & M come to the U.S., make money, send money home, buy a flat for parents and do the usual financial and other help that children abroad typically do.

Time flies. T&M start families. T's and M's parents become old. Returning to India becomes a trend. Whenever T&M meet, they fantasize about what they could do if they lived in India – with parents or near them: cook for them sometimes, take them out to exhibitions, concerts, doctor, shopping, help them deal with the reality of aging by simply being there for them, watch them shed years as they play with grandkids, talk to mom as woman-to-woman, watch TV with them, hold their hand during diagnostic tests…

For both T &M, parents live in one city and in-laws in another. Parents and in-laws grew up in those cities and are settled there, their moving is out of the question. T & M, in the course of casual spousal conversation, tell Mr T, Mr M, how they dream about doing all the stuff in para 2 with parents. Mr. T, Mr. M are happy with the description. The itsy-bitsy detail of T & M imagining all that with her parents and not his parents is lost… : )

T & M are good candidates for R2I. They would deal well the maidservants, pollution, corruption, schools and other issues. Problem is that if they r2i it will be to husband's parents' city. Both sets of parents (his and hers) are in more or less similar situation w.r.t age, health and existing support system. R2I'ing to a third city would make no sense. Neither set of parents would move to another city. T & M evaluate the pros and cons or R2I with a frank 'what's in it for me?', and decide to stay put and LIA. Being "an hour by flight away" from parents is not good enough reason for T or M to r2i.

Once in a while, when T's or M's parents are sick, T or M desperately wonder, "What if I was in India right now..."

Once in a while, when Mr. T or Mr. M's parents are sick, T or M guiltily wonder, "Because I wouldn't be near my parents, I didn't r2i. Now hubby and I are far away from both my parents and his parents. Was what I did right?"

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Any suggestions, thoughts, comments for T, M, Mr.T, Mr. M and other characters and their situation, dilemma?

T&M's parents are living, where they used to work and had a job (My guess). T&M should also move to the city where their (or Mr. T's and Mr. M's) employer is. No compromises with Roji Roti. Get the best job in India, first. Then think about logistics of inter-city movement.

One step at a time. First to India. Then further.

1. For the sake of keeping the dilemma simple and focusing on the main point the thread is trying to raise, it should be assumed that finding a job in either his parents' city or her parents' city is not a problem. Or that starting own business is the intention or that they have enough to not work for a while or ever.

2. If being with parents for one's own joy and sense of satisfaction is the aim of an R2I, then the "which city after R2I" logistics need to be worked out before R2I.

T & M are very mean, selfish and small minded. They seem to derive more pleasure from denying their husband what they themselves covet at all costs even preferring to stay thousands of km's away from their parents, rather than hunderds of km's. Unfortunately for them they live in a patriarchal society. Maybe they could pray that in their next lives society would have evolved to a matriarchal system. Until then the least they could do is stop blaming and torturing their husbands. It is not their fault that they were born as men. Life is unfair, what to do?

Tina and Meena have to decede with their Mr's. Which city would be the most practical wrt jobs, kids schooling, lifestyle choices etc as well as which set of parents. Remember that after r2i, you can commute to other cities much easier. If they move to hubby's city, they could spend various vacations with their parents . You could as a family choose to spend some festivals with mum's parents and some with dad's and some vacationing! Wife's parents could come over and visit them in new city once in a while if healthy enough to travel a bit)
Not r2i ing because you dont agree on the city of r2i - perhaps the need to r2i is not strong enough.
What is really important to my thinking is that T&M need to have a close understanding with their Mr's that if they choose the hubby's cities, they will allow them to take off to their parents on and off without the IL's being involved with the decision making. Just like they functioned abroad as a husband -wife unit, they should continue their life after r2i the same way and IL's alternative suggestions if any to be accepted only after the two of them are agreed on the matter.If they cant achieve that understanding, the problem lies with the couple's ability to communicate to each other or the hubby needs to grow up. No point blaming all ills on the IL's later .

MadMax;411295T & M are very mean, selfish and small minded. They seem to derive more pleasure from denying their husband what they themselves covet at all costs even preferring to stay thousands of km's away from their parents, rather than hunderds of km's. Unfortunately for them they live in a patriarchal society. Maybe they could pray that in their next lives society would have evolved to a matriarchal system. Until then the least they could do is stop blaming and torturing their husbands. It is not their fault that they were born as men. Life is unfair, what to do?

Thanks for the response. I don't agree with the above, but such responses address the dilemma rather than put a spin on it and present it as non-existent or suggest that solving it be postponed, so for that I appreciate it.

T & M do not derive pleasure from denying husband what they themselves covet. They are not blaming or torturing their husbands. Rather T & M are analyzing the situation unemotionally and coming to a decision. They are go-getters in their own style and could be trend-setters as in living with her parents after r2i, even though her parents are almost similarly placed as his parents, but they realize that r2i comes with its own challenges, and adding one more to it is stupid. They've conquered enough challenges in their lives and believe in picking their battles.

sumachechi;411300Tina and Meena have to decede with their Mr's. Which city would be the most practical wrt jobs, kids schooling, lifestyle choices etc as well as which set of parents. Remember that after r2i, you can commute to other cities much easier. If they move to hubby's city, they could spend various vacations with their parents . You could as a family choose to spend some festivals with mum's parents and some with dad's and some vacationing! Wife's parents could come over and visit them in new city once in a while if healthy enough to travel a bit)
Not r2i ing because you dont agree on the city of r2i - perhaps the need to r2i is not strong enough.
What is really important to my thinking is that T&M need to have a close understanding with their Mr's that if they choose the hubby's cities, they will allow them to take off to their parents on and off without the IL's being involved with the decision making. Just like they functioned abroad as a husband -wife unit, they should continue their life after r2i the same way and IL's alternative suggestions if any to be accepted only after the two of them are agreed on the matter.If they cant achieve that understanding, the problem lies with the couple's ability to communicate to each other or the hubby needs to grow up. No point blaming all ills on the IL's later .

Suma, definitely no is blaming anything on in-laws, not now, not later.

The "not r2ing" is not because they cannot decide on which city to r2i. The choice is between 2 cities (both tier 1 wtih lots of opportunities). Since both's parents are similarly placed in terms of health, age, support system etc, what is the norm in India and the rule of thumb described in that post of KirKS comes in to play - they will r2i to the guy's parents' city and live with or near them.

T & M have no communication problem with their husbands, all those suggestions of:

"if they choose the hubby's cities, they will allow them to take off to their parents on and off without the IL's being involved with the decision making. Just like they functioned abroad as a husband -wife unit, they should continue their life after r2i the same way and IL's alternative suggestions if any to be accepted only after the two of them are agreed on the matter"

are a given. But, for women like T & M for whom being with parents is the aim of r2i, those sops are not important enough to make the r2i worthwhile. If they are not near parents daily, they choose not to r2i.

T & M are not women who crave to r2i at all costs, they are happy to LIA. Being with parents is the main aim of r2i for them, as it is for many men indeed!

As a husband-wife unit, the health of both pairs of parents should be an equal priority if the situation is similar in both places. If both cities present similar opportunities , the couple have to make their choices together. Saying I aint coming to your city,honey ,but you come to mine- hmmm, I dont know.
We r2ied to my state( not city), not hubby's for several reasons that hubby agreed with. His parents were just so happy we were r2ing that they didnt care where. They would've been happier if we'd chosen theirs, but they are actually very satisfied with what we have created here and visit us about twice a year and spend good time with us. We didnt follow any specific norms( the story of our lives, I guess), mine is matriarchial, his is patriarchial. One of the reasons was the amount of extended family meddling in our lives would be more in his than mine , which neither of us fancied. Primarily because we both liked Kerala, weather better here , lots of greenery and natural beauty.
As I said before, a choice between my State or stay put in the States, doesnt sound like r2i is a high priority anyway- at least that's how it looks to me. ANd that's fine too- one has to accept the choice.

modus_vivendi;411305S
But, for women like T & M for whom being with parents is the aim of r2i, those sops are not important enough to make the r2i worthwhile. If they are not near parents daily, they choose not to r2i.

T & M are not women who crave to r2i at all costs, they are happy to LIA. Being with parents is the main aim of r2i for them, as it is for many men indeed!

Then the # 1 priority for T & M would be to work on making their husbands hen-pecked enough so that they would pose no resistance to whatever T & M propose. If not, give up R2I and be happy with LIA.

modus_vivendi;411305T & M are not women who crave to r2i at all costs, they are happy to LIA. Being with parents is the main aim of r2i for them, as it is for many men indeed!

Looks like these are the only 2 options for T & M:

1. LIA
2. Move to T's/M's parents city.

So, is the dilemma now between 1 and 2? :) Reading what is described can't have any other options, including:

3. Move to Mr. T/Mr. M parents city.
4. Move to a neutral city.

Between 1 and 2, because 3 and 4 are not options for T & M*, I would tend to go with an option that is okay with Mr. T/Mr. M.

If Mr. T/Mr. M don't insist that it is "LIA or R2I to my parent's place", then they should be okay with option#2.

If Mr. T/Mr. M also insist that it is "LIA or R2I to my parent's place", then they should LIA.

Mr. T/Mr. M, considering they are wise men, would go for Option#2. :) (now, don't ask me to elaborate on the wisdom part).

* - if T & M would consider even ~0.01% chance for option 3 and 4, then I suggest that they write the options in a piece of paper and pick one. They could bias the selection by writing options 1 and 2 on 99 pieces and option 3 and 4 in 1 piece. :)